'tis the season

It's official - my favorite time of the year is finally here!

Christmas hasn't been the same for me in a couple years. In the past, Christmas meant no school and getting to go home to my family. It meant staying up late with my dad on Christmas Eve, going to the midnight church service with him. I always sat up front, right in front of him. When it came time to turn off the lights and light candles throughout the congregation, he always lit mine first, and I passed it on to the next person. That quick second between us during that service was what I looked forward to every year. For that brief moment, it was just me and him, celebrating Christmas. Nothing else in the room mattered. He stood next to me as we sang Silent Night in the candlelight. Every year. It never changed. That was usually the only time I saw him on Christmas.

Growing up, my dad was always working. He was more than the town's pastor - he was everyone's best friend. When someone needed to talk, he was there. A spur of the moment wedding? He'd say give him ten minutes, and probably show up in five. A funeral? If there was no family, or nobody to celebrate that person's life with, he'd find people. He did all services free. He taught guitar to anyone willing to learn, including me until I thought I was too old to hang out with Dad on Saturday mornings. If someone wanted to learn, and couldn't afford a guitar - it was no big deal. He had an entire collection and was comfortable with loaning them out (this also included the first guitar he bought me - he loaned it out to a little boy that wanted to play). I'm a lot like him in that way - I trust people. Or, I used to, rather.

People respected him, and I understand why now. Back then, I resented him. I was angry at him all the time, for choosing his career before his family. I remember times when he'd back out of taking me shopping, or giving me a ride to a friend's house, because someone else was in need. I know I said things to him that really hurt him. I can't take those things back, but I have definitely learned from them.

I haven't been to a Christmas church service since he passed away.

Still, though, this is definitely my favorite time of year. I love going to all of the shops and seeing all of the decorations and hearing the music and just feeling the excitement and energy in the air. I love watching the snow fall silently (though our snow has already melted and it feels more like a rainy spring than anything right now).

I love hearing the bell ringers outside of stores, raising money to help families this time of year. When I was a little girl, I used to beg for some change to put in their cans. Now that I'm older and more self-sufficient, I put in a little more. I carry cash this time of year for that purpose.

I love driving around at night with hot chocolate, listening to Christmas music (lately it's been Michael Buble's new Christmas album) and looking at all of the decorated houses.

I love baking, and cooking This season has the best foods and scents.

Alright - this is too long of a post with no real purpose. Here's some recipes of what I'll be making for Christmas dinner this year. Enjoy!

The best turkey you can imagine - slow cooked to perfection. Served with, you guessed it, slow cooked mashed potatoes. We're also going to be making some cranberry sauce, but I don't have a recipe for those yet. I'm debating also making some of these green beans, or these ones. And of course I'll also be making my famous stuffing.

And for dessert? These cupcakes are to die for. Seriously. So. Good.

Happy holidays, everyone.

blank page.

As usual, it's been a long time since I've written anything here.

There's no real reason for my absence online, other than that I've been busy working and trying to put my life back together. I've had a lot of personal things I needed to take care of, things that I've been ignoring for far too long. It was time to clean out my closet, so to say.

Part of doing that included creating a new Facebook page. It got to the point where I was worrying too much about what I was posting, who it would offend, and who would take things the wrong way. The result? A brand new page. I went from nearly 600 "friends" to just over 50. I would have never been able to delete that many people. Fifty people that I actually talk to. Fifty people that don't use my postings against me. Fifty people that have reached out in one way or another, made a positive impact in my life. Though, that number will definitely grow, but it will be a positive, meaningful growth.

I've given up on a lot of things in life this year. I'm not the same person I was a year ago, but I don't think that I should be. That's part of growing up, right? I think I'm stronger. I'm smarter. I'm braver. More brave? Either way, I don't take crap from people anymore. I don't let people use me. I'm done with that side of me. I tell people what I'm thinking. I don't hide my feelings anymore. Above all, I've learned to ask for help. To reach out to others when I'm in need, something I rarely ever did.

I laugh, more than ever.

I talk, more than ever.

I feel, more than ever.

I am the same me, but at the same time I'm not. Not even close.

I wasn't going to write anything tonight, but I thought what the heck. Might as well, seeing as I can't sleep. But what else is new, eh?

Lately I feel this urge to just get in my car and drive. I have no destination in mind, but the thought of just being on the road is so comforting right now. Those of you who know me, know I'm truly at my best when traveling. Maybe it's because I spent most of my life in a town that was so small it didn't even have a stoplight, or a school district for that matter. I just feel like I need to get out there and see the world I was deprived of growing up. I feel like it's now or never, that if I don't go now I never will.

Music helps me with this. Usually when I'm traveling I justify it by seeing friends play shows, and getting to know others at shows. It gives my random road trips a purpose in a way. In the past year or two, I've been to at least eight different states, seen countless bands, and met so many people. People I would have probably never met otherwise. Some of them have become my closest friends, people I rely on daily.

Not only have I gotten to know new people and places, I've been exposed to some amazing music that I had never listened to before. In high school, it was all pop radio stations. College was that mixed with Damien Rice, Blue Merle, etc. Now? Just about everything. I've even started playing music myself again, something I hadn't done since I was little.

Of course, all of this comes with a certain territory. I've been called a groupie. A wannabe. A poser. Pretty much everything you can think of. Am I any of those, well, who knows. I personally don't think so, but I guess it all depends on how you define those words.

Either way, I love music. I love the open road. And all I want right now is to spend a couple weeks, or even just a couple days, doing both. Music and driving. I'm no performer by any means, but I need to get out there.

Who's with me?



- kmg

I hide things. I've done it for as long as I can remember. Books, money, feelings, thoughts.. I hide things. I don't know why, but I do.

Also, I run. I run away from problems, and I run away from anything that might cause problems. I'm a coward most of the time, but I pretend to be strong.

Over the past four years so much has changed in my life. I moved countless times, I walked away from friendships that were as old as I was at the time. I dropped out of college, changed career goals, moved to yet another city, made a couple new friends. I'm getting really tired of this, though. The picking up and moving, the making new friends, the endless cycle of never feeling like I belong where I end up.

I lost some of the best friends a person could ask for in all of this. Do I still talk to some of them? Occasionally, but it's nothing like it used to be. Mostly now we talk about what we had done since the last time we talked, never really wanting to get too deep. Of course, this is my own fault - people don't trust me anymore. I don't blame them. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't go around spreading secrets or betraying people. I just have a bad track record with leaving and hurting people in the process.

I'm trying to change that.

I wrote a blog post earlier that I never posted (you can thank me for that later - it was very whiny and depressing) but it got me thinking about what my purpose for this blog is, and where I want to go with it.

I came up with two things. First, I want a place where I can just talk about what's been going on in my life - how I've been feeling. The good, the bad, and everything in between. The more personal stuff that I never bring myself to actually talk about with my friends, because I keep building up walls between myself and the people I need most (but that's a whole other blog post for later).

Another thing I hope to do with this blog is promote music that I love, and that I hope you'll love too. Music is something that's always been big in my life (except for that period of time when I refused to listen to even the radio - again, another post for later). I'm friends with many, many musicians - some famous, others not. I play the guitar daily, and I sing (badly) all day long, every day. Some of my earliest memories are of listening to my dad play his guitar every morning before school.

I don't want to go on too much tonight, but I did want to get this down. I also want to leave you readers with two things to check out until next time.

First - Dave Magario. If you know me, you've heard of him. Brilliant musician and wonderful friend from Massachusetts. His main website is here and you can also check out some videos of his music here.

Second - Amanda McKenzie Photography. Amanda is a really good friend of mine, and she's also an amazing photographer. Just look for yourself on her facebook and on Flickr..

Until later.

sleep? what's that?

Well, well, well... It seems my on again/off again relationship with insomnia is back on. Just when I thought we were completely through, insomnia has won me over once again. It doesn't matter that I only slept four hours last night, or that I followed six hours of straight physical labor with six hours straight of driving (which, let me tell you, is really mentally draining). No, my body doesn't care about any of that. It's going on 1:30am and my mind just wants to party.

So what do I think about on these nights? Just about everything. Why the world is round, what makes my dog think he can bite waves in the water... I've spent more time than I like to admit to wondering who the heck looked at a head of lettuce and thought "Mmm, leaves! Tasty!". Don't get me wrong, I like lettuce and all, but thats not the point. That initial lettuce thought would lead to wondering who won the rights to name the plant, and how they thought of lettuce. And from there I'd wonder why it was called a head. And so on, and so on. You get the point. The most random and useless thoughts flow through my head as if I have nothing better to do than ponder things that need not be pondered.

I often try to divert my thoughts to something more useful, trying to schedule out my next day, week, or even month if I'm feeling ambitious. Sometimes I try to figure out a personal budget for myself. Other times I try to work on creative things - writing or playing music, reading, painting, etc. Usually though, all of this backfires on me leaving me even more wide awake and frustrated.

What are some successful ways to put yourself to sleep, not including drugs or alcohol?

My friend Dave once sent me a cd of music that's supposed promote sleep, and it does work for the most part. I'm kind of afraid to use it when I have to wake up at a certain time, though, as it seems to put me into a deep sleep when I let it. On the best of mornings, three alarms have a difficult time getting me out of bed. I'm not sure they'd work if I used this to fall asleep.

Someone, and I forget who now, once suggested that as I'm laying in the dark, I should try and think of dreams I recently had, in hopes that I'd fall back in to them. I tried is once or twice, but I didn't get far. My dreams are mostly either terrifying, disturbing, or both. Not exactly things you want to think of when trying to sleep, and definitely not dreams you want to fall in to.

Sigh. Tomorrow promises to be another long day. I hope where ever you are reading this, whoever you are, that sleep finds you easily, and that you sleep well.

Good night, world.

- kmg

I haven't blogged in a while, but lately I've felt the need to. If for no other reason, at least I'll be getting these thoughts out of my head rather than letting them pile up so high that I can't pick them apart. Who knows, maybe nobody will read this. Maybe someone will. Either way, I'm glad to be here.

Lately I've been feeling lonely. I'm living in a house with three other people, I'm surrounded by family, and I know a lot of people. So why this feeling? It's hard to say, but even harder to ignore. I try texting people, and sometimes they even answer. But for the most part I just don't know what to say anymore.

I sat down with a friend today. I hadn't seen him in weeks, but we immediately got back to talking just like before. Though mostly small talk, it was relieving to see a familiar face, and to really laugh again. We made some plans for my birthday, mostly involving live music and his far-fetched dreams to get me on stage. Hopefully these plans come together. Hopefully people show up.

I think what really has me feeling this way lately was hearing from an ex a few days ago. I hadn't heard from him in a long time, and I was okay with that. The message he sent reminded me of a lot of old times, with mutual friends and just how happy we were. I don't miss being with him, not at all. But I do miss that time and that feeling. He was also there for me when my dad died. In fact, we started dating that summer, almost exactly four years ago. I'm finding it's harder to get over something like that than I thought.

But in the end, I've always been tough. I've always found a way through the worst of situations and that isn't about to change now.

- kmg